Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize