Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize