i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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