Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
