you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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