i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
