you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
