when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
