i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
