Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
