Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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