And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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