we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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