Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
