someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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