I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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