there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Randomize
