I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
