The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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