it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
