I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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