btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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