Soap is not a condiment
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
