she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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