After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
