I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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