just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
