I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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