Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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