i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
