she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
