Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
