I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
