You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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