So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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