alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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