Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
