i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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