i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
