closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
