I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
