How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
