I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ladies don't puke and tell
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize