i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
