Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
