the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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