I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
