Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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