I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
When are your genitals available?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
