I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
