dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
