Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
