We're facebook friends in real life
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
