6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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