Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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