I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
