I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
