if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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