Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
