omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
