i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
