I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
