Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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