In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
