So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
