I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
