My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
