i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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