My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
