I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
