I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
